Permafrostia had been revived with a cup of tea and the quiet dignity of someone who was going to pretend the last ten minutes had not happened.
She and Ava were now seated side by side on a very comfortable sofa, facing a projector screen that had been set up in the living room with what appeared to be genuine technical expertise. A small laser pointer sat on the coffee table. There was a jug of water and two glasses. Someone had made a small folded paper sign that read:
NANNY INTERVIEW — PLEASE HOLD QUESTIONS UNTIL THE END
Yogianna stood to one side, overseeing proceedings with the air of someone who had organized this entire event and was already disappointed in how it was going. Medved sat behind a laptop, his expression serene, his paws moving across the keyboard with quiet efficiency. The projector flickered to life. The title slide read:
WELCOME TO OUR HOME
A Presentation in Five Parts Kindly prepared by The Household Permafrostia leaned toward Ava. “There are five of them.” “Six,” Ava murmured. “Georgia is under the coffee table.” Permafrostia looked down. Georgia waved.
Yogianna stepped forward first, smoothing her cardigan.
SLIDE ONE — HOUSE RULES Presented by Yogianna
“There are three rules,” Yogianna began, in the tone of someone who had originally written forty seven rules and had been persuaded to trim them down. “Rule one. No synthetic fabrics in the living areas. I have sensitivities.” She paused to let this sink in. “Rule two. Meals are served at proper times. We do not graze.” She glanced pointedly at Eugene, who was already eating something from his pocket. “Rule three. This house runs on dignity. I trust that will not be a problem.”
She returned to her seat and sat down with great finality.
Medved advanced the slide without looking up.
SLIDE TWO — SNACK SCHEDULES — Presented by Eugene
Eugene toddled to the front. He was wearing a small bow tie that was already crooked. He looked at the screen for a long moment. Then he looked at Ava and Permafrostia. Then he looked back at the screen. The slide contained a detailed color-coded chart of every snack, for every hour, for every day of the week. It was, Ava noted, extremely thorough. Eugene pointed at Monday. “Snack,” he said seriously. He pointed at Tuesday. “Snack.” He pointed at every remaining day of the week, one by one, with great care and conviction. “Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack. Snack.” He looked at the ladies to make sure they had understood. Then he toddled back to his seat, satisfied that he had made his case.
SLIDE THREE — TECHNOLOGY AND SECURITY — Presented by Medved
Medved rose. He straightened his glasses — he was the only bear wearing glasses — and advanced to the front with quiet authority.
“I manage all household technology,” he said, in lightly accented English. “The security system. The wifi. The shopping. The finances.” A brief pause. “The prices.” He looked at the ladies calmly.
The ladies looked back at him.
“Everything runs smoothly,” he continued, “as long as nobody touches my laptop.” He let this hang in the air for exactly the right amount of time. “Nobody touches my laptop.” He returned to his seat.
SLIDE FOUR — CULTURAL REQUIREMENTS – Presented by Outback Bear
There was a long pause. Everyone looked at Outback Bear’s chair. Outback Bear was asleep. Yogianna cleared her throat. Outback Bear did not stir. She cleared it again, considerably louder. One ear twitched. “OUTBACK BEAR.”. He woke with a tremendous snort, looked around the room, and was on his feet at the front before anyone could blink, as though he had been there all along. “Right,” he said, in a broad Australian accent that seemed to fill the entire room. “G’day ladies. Won’t take long, just a few things you’ll need to know living with me.” He nodded at Medved, who advanced the slide with the patience of someone who had done this before. The slide read: IMPORTANT AUSTRALIAN PHRASES Non-negotiable. Must be memorized. Outback Bear produced a small pointer and began: “First. Crikey. You’ll need this one daily. Possibly hourly.” He looked pointedly at Eugene. “Definitely hourly.” “Crikey,” Ava repeated carefully. “Good. You’re a natural.” He advanced the slide himself by pressing Medved’s laptop with one large paw. Medved closed his eyes briefly. “Second. No worries, mate. This is your general response to most situations. Bear ate your breakfast? No worries mate. Chandelier needs replacing again? No worries mate. You’ll find it covers a great deal.” “No worries, mate,” said Permafrostia experimentally, in her most queenly voice. “Crikey,” said Outback Bear approvingly. “She’s a natural too.” He advanced the slide again. Medved moved his laptop slightly further away. Third. She’ll be right. This means everything will work out fine. We say this a lot in this household.” He paused thoughtfully. “We say this very a lot.” “Fourth. Flat out like a lizard drinking. This means extremely busy. You will feel this way often.” He glanced around at his housemates. “Mostly because of them.” “And finally,” he said, with great gravity, “if things get truly, spectacularly chaotic — and they will — you simply say ‘Strewth’ and put the kettle on.” He looked at the ladies to confirm they had absorbed all of this. “Any questions?” “What’s a lizard drinking look like?” asked Permafrostia. Outback Bear considered this seriously. “Flat,” he said. “Very flat. He returned to his seat, yawned enormously, and was asleep again before Danger Bear had finished wheeling in his whiteboard.
SLIDE FIVE — EMERGENCY PROCEDURES – Presented by Danger Bear
Danger Bear wheeled in a whiteboard. This was unexpected, as there was already a projector screen. Danger Bear did not acknowledge the projector screen. “I have prepared a flowchart,” he announced. The flowchart was large, colorful, and extraordinarily complicated. It began with the question SITUATION? and branched into SMALL, MEDIUM, and VERY BIG. SMALL led to STAY CALM, which led to PANCAKES? MEDIUM led to GRAB SUPPLIES, which led to CALL EVERYONE. VERY BIG led to a box that simply read NO. Ava studied it carefully with the eye of an architect who had read many technical drawings. “What does NO mean?” she asked. “It means the situation is very big,” said Danger Bear helpfully. “And pancakes?” “Pancakes,” said Danger Bear, “solve more than people realize.”. He clicked the laser pointer on and off several times, apparently just because he enjoyed it, then returned to his seat.
SLIDE SIX — GEORGIA Presented by Georgia.
Georgia bounded to the front of the room. Her slide contained one thing. A photograph of Georgia. She pointed at it proudly. “That’s you,” said Ava. Georgia nodded enthusiastically, “It’s a very nice photo,” said Permafrostia, who was on her second cup of tea and had decided to commit fully to the situation. Georgia beamed so hard her bow went crooked. Then she sat down directly on Eugene, who did not seem to mind.
Medved advanced to the final slide.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION. We look forward to your decision. Snacks are available in the kitchen. Yogianna folded her paws and looked at the two women with great seriousness. “Questions?” Ava and Permafrostia looked at each other. “Just one,” said Ava. “When do we start?”
Eugene slid off his chair and ran to the kitchen to begin preparing the snacks immediately, just in case.